Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
