Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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