I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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