I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
