I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just made my gag reflex go away.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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