get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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