Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
