Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
