I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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