If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
