you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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