Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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