We named our party play list daddy issues
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You pole danced in your parka.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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