I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
cat food counts as protein by the way
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
