Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
