I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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