Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
