We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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