So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
