it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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