Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
