He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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