Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
