Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
