I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
