my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
they need to just BURY HIM!
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
