I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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