I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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