I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
