What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
