It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
