I could make wine with my vomit
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
