I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
