a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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