when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
