We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
