I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
