it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
