Don't make out with my wife yet
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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