hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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