I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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