i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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