i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
