did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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