fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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