what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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