Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
