yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
