home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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