I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
