I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
