The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
